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Home sick for my Mama

Mom was not doing very well when we got to the hospital tonight. I was so hopeful for another night like last night, but we found her in the common room, where we had left her this afternoon, leaning forward with her head still tilted downward, crying. Her cry these days is very quiet. There are hardly any tears, but her face still contorts to show she is upset. There is no way to explain the pain I felt when I saw her. My dad and I wheeled her to her room, changed her clothes, and moved her onto her bed. One of my favorite childhood memories were the mornings that George, El, and I would climb into bed with my mom and dad early in the mornings and all snuggle up. I was still snuggling in bed with my mom while taking afternoon naps just a few months ago. I can even remember crawling into bed next to her the morning after Reid and I got engaged, waking her up, and telling her we needed to start planning. So, tonight when we tucked her into her hospital bed, it seemed only appropriate th

Mom Update - Week 2 in LR and a few pics

Today marked the beginning of my second week here in Little Rock, and my mom's 10th day in the Geri Psych Unit. My dad had a phone conference with my mom's doctor this morning and we determined that she will be ready to leave their facility this week. We also learned that, according to the doctor (who is not God) that he thinks my mom has about 3 to 6 months to live. I make the clarification that the doctor is not God because it is written clearly in Psalm 139:16, "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." It seems silly that I read this verse everyday, and yet I still tell my mom she can go to Jesus when she is ready. Like she needs my permission, or something. I think it is part of letting go, of even telling God we are ready for Him to take her. We know she is ready, so now we wait on Him.  My prayer for my mom right now is Psalm 40:1-4, "I waited p

Mom Update - 12/24-25/2008

For the first time in my blogging history I really don't know what to say. I keep waiting to update thinking I will have something positive to say, but I might be waiting a very long time for that.  Mom was started on a new medication Tuesday that seems to have stopped the combativeness, but she is in a very sedated state because of it, rarely responding even we ask her to squeeze our hands. To give you an idea of where she is cognitively, the only response we get from her that makes sense is when we say "I love you." She will usually respond with a faint "I love you." Other than that there is no sensible communication, she does not show affection, but occasionally makes a movement that would indicate she knows my dad, Mimi, or Auntie Joye are in the room (even seeing something in these movements could be our hopefulness).  It is crazy to think that, in a sense, we made it through our first Christmas without my mom. Even as I write this, the emotions I felt as I

The rainbow

My sister and I were driving home from visiting my mom at the hospital this afternoon. What we saw as we reached the top of the hill in our neighborhood reminded us that sometimes it takes a lot of rain to make the grass this green but in the end God's going to show us a rainbow. Funny how God can send something as simple as a rainbow to make me remember this. -- Post From My iPhone

Mom Update 12/22-23/2008

Dear Friends and Family, After coming to the realization that bringing my mom home no longer an option my dad and I set out to find a facility that will best care for her needs. Over the past two days we visited Chenal Heights, Little Rock Healthcare, Northridge, and Presbyterian Village. Our choice, as of now, is Presbyterian Village. I know, many of you may have many kind recommendations on places that your family members have been; right now I do not need to hear them. Sorry and thank you, but I have to be honest.  My mom was pretty agitated yesterday. She gets pretty over-stimulated during visiting hours and can become upset. Yesterday was my turn for her to not like me. She was pretty agitated with me from the moment my dad and I walked in the room, even though she didn't know who I was. Her condition was the same today, and they decided to start a new drug regimen to see if it helps control the combativeness. Today, during the last 15 minutes we were visiting she had calmed d

Mom Update 12/21/2008

Dear Friends and Family, Today was the second full day for Mom to be on the medications. We are still seeing severe swings in her mood. We are hoping this will become more stable as the dosage is regulated and she is finally able to sleep. She slept eight hours last night (she probably has not slept eight hours in the past week). She was much more alert for our afternoon visiting hour. She was walking (wandering) with her favorite CNA , Amber. She was a bit agitated, as well.  When my dad and I went back for our thirty minute evening visit she was much more medicated after becoming increasingly agitated this evening. She was crying, hallucinating, and trying to get out of the wheelchair she was strapped into. I sang "You are my sunshine" and "Jesus Loves Me" to help her calm down. I was able to tell her how much I love her and how special she is. My dad did the same. I know she might not remember, but we will. After talking to my mom's nurse today, the reality t

Mom Update - 12/20/2008

Dear Friends and Family, I have been sitting at my computer for the past hour, trying to figure out the most appropriate way to write this email. To be honest, I think I could sit here all night. I don't know the most appropriate way to write it, or if there even is one. I waited to write this email until I made it to Little Rock and was able to see my mom and have a better understanding of our situation. Over the past week to ten days the progression of my mom's disease has been tremendous. She became increasingly agitated and combative and was admitted to UAMS for an overnight stay. During her stay she was evaluated by a team of doctors from the Center on Aging. They determined the following: - Evaluating dementia on a scale of one to seven, with seven being the most severe and advanced, my mom was rated as a six. - At that point, the average time patients live is 6 months to two years. It was recommended that my mom be sent to the Baptist Hospital Geriatric Psychiatric Ward

Family Pictures by Ashley Carson Photography

While Reid and I were in Little Rock for Thanksgiving, Ashley Carson took our family portrait. It was really important to George, Eleanor, and me that we pictures while my mom was still aware of what was going on. Seeing how things have declined so quickly since these pictures were taken, I am so thankful we have them and will always remember our sweet Mama the way she looked the day we took these pictures. I wanted you all to have the chance to see them, too. Hope you enjoy and think about using Ashley if you live in Little Rock! Go to http://www.ashleycarsonphotography.com click on 'proofing' in the upper right side of the page the password is 'bain'

Sally

I learned shortly after writing my previous post that my mom's friend in the mirror has a name - Sally. We have no idea where this came from, except that my mom had a childhood friend by the same name. She is spending mor and more time with Sally in the dining room mirror. My mom even told my sweet dad he could visit her in the dining room anytime he wanted. Naturally, my dad had a clever idea like asking my mom if she would mind if he took Sally on a date sometime. At least we still have our sense of humor! To be honest, I thought the grieving would be easier once we passed the stage where she was so confused, crying all the time, wanting to die, not wanting to die, being scared, feeling bad she was making my dad take care of her. But, selfishly, it isn't. You begin to realize how quickly their time has gone. You wonder why you weren't allowed just one more "good" year. You wonder how they wake up every morning with just a little more gone. You wonder how much lo

Never Alone

The   year ‘s end is quickly approaching, meaning that my blog has been up and running for nearly   sixteen months. Sixteen months of our journey has been charted. Unfortunately, I have been less than diligent to record every happening. Sometimes it seems to hard, and lately I find myself   selfishly shamed by the progression of my mom’s Disease.   In fact, it is for this very reason that I have put off writing this post. While home for Thanksgiving I witnessed for the first time the uncontrollable jerking spasms in her arms. It prohibits her from holding drinks, food, etc. as she does not even realize they are occurring. An appointment with a neurologist has been made, and I am sure he will tell us it is all part of the progression of this Disease I am hating more and more each day. On the bright side, I am thankful that she doesn’t realize she has these unusual movements. Sadly, however, it is a reminder to all those around her , who love her so dearly, that she is getting worse.

A bit out of touch

I thought "Mare Moments" were over...I hate to say it, but they are not. I like to say I am pretty up-to-date with the latest, greatest gadgets. I have a husband who loves electronics and truly uses the million GB iPod , emails like crazy on his Blackberry, was fitted at the Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist for noise reducing earphone tips - yes that is my man! That said, I enjoy catching up on the newest product releases - phones, game boxes, computers, and especially cameras. Reid's dad has a love of photography and one day I hope to be able to capture images as well as he does.  I was looking on the Best Buy web site the other night at new cameras. My last camera was given to me for Christmas my sophomore year of college. In the world of technology, you could say things have changed just a bit since then. The amount of mega pixels have doubled, cameras have gotten smaller, and they now even come in really cute colors! I was also shocked when I noticed there seemed to b

Women Win Again!

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and  female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.   Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.  We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

How They Roll

When I say Luke and Emme get cuter everyday I am not being biased - there are pictures to prove it! The first was from this morning. We were playing in the playroom and Emme and I left to get her and Luke a snack. When we returned we found Luke playing blocks with his "Luke" figure he made at school. *note that he is also wearing goggles! Later this evening after dinner (their parents went to eat with some friends) I told the kids it was almost time to take a bath. A few minutes later I walked into the kids bathroom to find Emme "ready" for her bath. The sweet girl loves water, and thankfully doesn't know how to turn on the bath yet! Hope you enjoyed a glimpse of what my fun days are like! -- Post From My iPhone

A Late Thankful Thought

I looked at my Mom yesterday while we were driving to Sheridan. She was sitting in the backseat of our car and looked so peaceful at times. I am thankful that I am still able to spend time with her, that I see glimpses of my old mom from time to time, and that she feels what can only be explained as the Lord's peace. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. -- Post From My iPhone

Time-Out

Luke was sent to his room for time-out when we returned home from the grocery store yesterday. He desperately wanted to watch a video (or Backyardigans episode) and I told him he had to eat lunch first. This didn't go over very well for Luke the (tired) three year old and he threw a fit. While he was in his room I took the opportunity to bring the rest of the grocery bags in from the car. After about five minutes I walked into his room and found this... That's right, sound asleep in five minutes! What a funny little Lukie he is! -- Post From My iPhone

Brothers and Sisters

There is a lot to be said for the bond siblings share. I think about this bond everyday that I watch Luke and Emerson interact with each other. They know just how to heal a hurt or throw salt in a fresh wound. However, at the core of their tiny beings it is obvious they love each other immensely. Today, I drove through the car wash with both kids. Luke thinks this is a real treat while Emerson is less convinced. When Emme started to cry Luke reached out and grabbed her hand, and in that moment her crying stopped. This picture was actually taken about a month ago, but it was the best one I had to show you their true brother and sister bond. -- Post From My iPhone

Mom B

I thought I would offer a laugh in the midst of the crap that is the presidential election of 2008. This is a picture of the Pi Phi house mother, Mom B. I just love her! She is a sweet southern belle who is a bit old to still be keeping tabs on college girls. This is how we would often find her "napping" in her living room. One time we thought she had passed away on that couch and made Kenneth the cook go check her pulse.  To clarify about a previous post titled "2003 Step Show" I did not participate in that activity. My boss, Lenny, asked me to show him my step moves and I assumed that anyone who knows me and watched the video would know there is no way I could ever move like that. I will, however, always envy a girl who can step!

Just For Fun

I stole this from my friend, mikel! Looks like Mare isn't very bold............. Bold the things you've done: 1. Started your own blog 2 . Slept under the stars 3. Played in a band 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower 6. Given more than you can afford to charity 7. Been to Disneyland   8. Climbed a mountain   9. Held a praying mantis   10. Sang a solo 11. Bungee jumped   1 2. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea   14. Taught yourself an art from scratch 15. Adopted a child 16. Had food poisoning 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty 18. Grown your own vegetables   19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train   21. Had a pillow fight 22. Hitch hiked 23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill   (Yes, I hated Walgreens that much!) 24. Built a snow fort 25. Held a lamb   26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a Marathon  28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice 29. Seen a total eclipse   30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 31. Hit a home run   32. Bee

Mom meets Ora

If you think about it today say a prayer for my mom. She meets her new caregiver, Ora, and we are all anxious to see how the day turns out. My dad said my mom is excited about her coming, but I have to wonder how much she understands and remembers from the last caregiver that didn't end up working out. My dad is hopeful, but I am much more cautious of getting my hopes up that we have found a perfect fit for mom. I will give an update at the end of the day tomorrow. BTW, I am going to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting tomorrow night. It is an awesome program that is done in churches all over the country. It was kind of a must from my counselor. She thinks it will be good for me to process through my life-long struggle with anxiety, anger and grief over losing my mom, etc. I am really looking forward to it and will let you know if I do anything terribly awkward my first night there! -- Post From My iPhone

2003 Step Show

Step Show was yesterday at U of A and Pi Phi finished 2nd to Zeta. I have been homesick for college all day and thought I would share one of the many (social) reasons I would love to go back! The video below is from the year Pi Phi placed 1st! It was so exciting and began and long standing rivalry with Zeta! Go Angels!

Mom, Cash, & "Toby"

My mom went to stay with my aunt in Sheridan for a couple of days to give my dad a break. One of the main reasons my mom doesn't like to leave home anymore is because she can't always take her dachshund, Toby. Well, my aunt quickly realized a solution - to tell her their dachshund, Sadie, is Toby and that he has just gained a little weight. It works like a charm as you can see in the picture! Mom is happy as a clam with her "Toby." Cash is also a real treat for my mom! Her great nieces and nephews are probably going to be the closest thing to grandchildren that she is able to experience and my aunt is always more than happy to share them with her! Cash is snuggled up with my mom in the pictures below. -- Post From My iPhone

How Luke Rolls

This is how Luke came to the door when I told him it was time to leave to go to the park. Yes, that is a Spider Man electric toothbrush in one pocket and a glow stic in the other pocket of his jeans. Highly appropriate for a morning at the park, don't you think? -- Post From My iPhone

My Ride

I am traveling in style back to Dallas! Pray the Uhaul remains my friend this trip. My dad wanted me to write something clever like, "Here I am 'hauling' ass." Oh, that dad of mine. -- Post From My iPhone

Where The Wild Things Are

I think this picture is so cute! Reid was reading his favorite kid's book to Luke and Em when we kept them one night a few weeks ago. They were pretty happy to be rocking and Reid just like the excuse to read the book. -- Post From My iPhone

Reid is Home

I thought I would give a little update about Reid's exciting job news...he will be staffed on a case in Dallas between now and Jan 1! We are so excited to be living together that we have even tossed around the idea of getting a king size bed! Our reasons for needing and wanting one will be left for another post, but I am sure any of my friends would agree with Reid that I am not a kind sleeper. ;) -- Post From My iPhone

Guess what I found at the library?

Today I was at the library with Luke, Emerson, and their Nana (Ginny). It is a children's library called Bookmarks in Northpark Mall here in Dallas and is a really cute place to take the kids. Luke loves the computer that he can't mess up and picking out books and a DVD every week or two. It is a really great place! Well, as we were rounding up the troops I noticed a book, actually a children's book, titled Barack Obama! It was displayed nicely next to some 100 page text book about John McCain's military service that looked totally kid unfriendly (the library does not yet have the children's book recently written by McCain's daughter).  I picked up the Barack Obama book and began to flip through, enraged that now people are reading to their children about a man who really has no historical significance in our nation to date, besides being the first African America to run for President.  So, with moral support of Ginny, I decided to check out the book with two ob

Comments about last post...Or lack thereof...

I might have already scared many of you away with the last post. I have always erred on the side of being too open. Maybe you see it as a fault when reading my blog; I see it as a strength. How will I ever know if what I am learning and sharing about God is impacting other's in His name if I don't share and give people the opportunity to reflect ( whether you comment or not)? I won't if I don't share openly and honestly - to let it all pour out - the ugly and the beautiful.  I am in a valley. What I would venture to call the deepest valley of my Walk with God. It isn't easy. Some days are proving to be better than others, but that doesn't mean my time won't still be rich.  So, if you have a comment, it was not fair of me to "revoke" your privileges in leaving it. I will deal if you tell me, yet again, why God hasn't healed my mom, and I would love to know your take on grief. Grief at any stage, over any loss, in any season of your life. I am

From Denial to Grief

It is amazing what denial can do to a person. My mom was diagnosed five years ago this past Spring and I have held every ounce of grief inside since the day she was diagnosed. The exception is a "good" cry I might have every other month or so, but nothing significant. I have dealt with my emotions in true Bain fashion - make a joke, put on a smile, tell just enough to get by without bringing tears to the surface. This has proven not healthy after several doctors visits because of numb hands, heart palpitations , migraines - all factors of increased emotional stress and anxiety. Last Friday, however, something inside me changed. I cried, and have cried everyday since (almost a week). Not in a "hitting rock-bottom" kind of way, but a healthy, pained by realization way that made my neck loosen a bit. I also had my second visit with Cynthia, my counselor, this week. It was so refreshing to have someone facilitate the conversation and help me articulate the feelings I h

Sarah on theknot.com

How exciting is this? Our friends Sarah and Steve were married last summer in Cincinnati (it was one of the many weddings we attended). Sarah is featured on Theknot.com in a video called "Wedding Style: Shopping with a real bride, Sarah." She was with her mother-in-law in NYC and was desperate to find a dress because the wedding was quickly approaching. It is a funny story that Sarah tells because she said Steve's mom was mortified Sarah bought a dress without her mom there (Sarah's mom had a prior commitment and couldn't make it out that weekend). Sarah is precious and the video is a great memory for her to have! click this link and Sarah's video is the 5th on the webpage. http://weddings.theknot.com/theknottv/knot_tv_ondemand.aspx?MsdVisit=1

So long, my friends

I don't have much to say after tonight's debate. I really don't think anything, and I do mean anything, new was said as far as the candidates politics go. Oh well, less than a month until the elections and from an earthly perspective it looks like America is going down the crapper. My dad has much harsher words when we talk. McCain used the line, "My friends," during the debate tonight and when it was over my dad called and said, "Well, McCain might as well have just said, 'So long, my friends.' " I am really glad I can rest assured knowing that God already knows who is going to win.

In Christ Alone

My mom and sister had a special day together recently. Some things were said and done that have made me continually call to mind the lyrics of the song "In Christ Alone." I have agreed not to share the conversation that took place between my mom and sister, for the sake of keeping some things special and private for just our family. I will, however, tell you that my mom is talking more and more about God, Heaven, and being at peace with Him "taking" her. I want to clarify something. My mom is tired, she says she is tired. She knows she is saved, and for her there is no fear in death. All of this to say, no, I don't think she is going to die soon. I think when you are losing your mind, sometimes you come to terms with dying before you ever near that final stage. I find it amazing that the most anger my mom has ever shown about her disease is asking why it had to happen to us. Questioning is normal. I find myself much more angry and I am not even the one stuck

Doesn't Sound American To Me

I really don't have much to say about this video. I saw it on Fox News and almost fell out of my chair. I am hoping someone is just messing around, but the video was made in Venice, CA and I know from personal experience that crazy crap goes down in those parts. Judging from this video, if Obama wins then we will could be hearing children sing this song for the next four years. Yikes, it doesn't even sound American to me!

Nine Years

This Sunday I will turn 24 years-old. My mom won't remember on her own, but I will call her and tell her the story she told me about my birth when I was a little girl. I will remind her how long it took my dad to get ready to take her to the hospital after her water broke. How I was delivered at 4:55 am at just over 8 lbs and 21 inches.  I can't help but thinking that I am now only nine years younger than she was when I was born. My parents were both older when they met and married (mom was 32 and dad 41). I keep thinking if I can just get a few years head start of when she and my dad did, then my kids will be older if I inherit this terrible disease. I could have nine extra years with my kids. That could be time to see all of them get graduate, marry, and have children.  I know what you are thinking, "Mare, do you just sit around and think of the saddest crap possible?" No, but I am sorry I can be a Debbie Downer. I don't know why this birthday has made me so emo

AR Alpha Pi Phi's Get Balfour Again!

UA sorority named top chapter for second time BY MARSHA L. MELNICHAK Northwest Arkansas Times Posted on Monday, September 22, 2008 URL: http://www.nwanews.com/nwat/News/69383/   Members of the University of Arkansas chapter of Pi Beta Phi received the coveted and prestigious Balfour Cup honoring their chapter as the best internationally for the second time in a row at ceremonies Sunday on the lawn of the sorority house in Fayetteville. “ These days, it is not that often a chapter is able to continually achieve at a high level. It’s tough to win the Balfour Cup the first time, but it is darn near impossible to win it two years in a row, ” said National President Emily Russell Tarr of Texarkana. If it is won a third time, it is retired to the sorority house. The cup is presented annually to the most outstanding Pi Beta Phi chapter, based on financial management, community service and philanthropic activities, scholarship, risk management, campus leadership and involv

Just Wait 'til 2030

Don't worry, guys, when Reid runs for President in 2030 he will solve all of America's problems - economic and political. He might have a goofy smile like these politicians, but he has much better business sense (at least at 25). I am also working on a post as to why I will make a great First Lady - stay tuned!

Cardiologist Visit

I had my visit with the cardiologist today. The good news is that after a long visit, with lots of tests, I was told my heart looks great! Bad news is that the reason my heart feels like it palpitates is due to a high stress level. I guess I internalize a lot more about my mom than I even realized, obviously enough to make my heart palpitate ! Yikes! I made an appointment to go and talk to a great Christian counselor about practical ways I can try to manage my stress/worries. I know, I have already been told to"Lay all my worries at Jesus' feet." Not to knock it, but sometimes it is a lot easier said than done. I struggle with control, and when I can't be there to see what is going on with my mom then I worry and worry equals stress. Blah!

Don't Hate Me 'Cause I'm Tacky

I just thought it was funny. 

A Great First Day

Today was my mom's first day to be left with Karen, her new companion. Everything was great. I think, more than anything, my mom finally felt relief that she wasn't a burden to anyone today. Karen was there to take care of her, and that put my mom at ease. They had a great morning. Karen arrived at 9 a.m. They took it easy, went on a walk, spent a lot of the morning outside. Karen was able to get my mom showered and dressed with no issues. She even let my mom help pick out what clothes she was going to wear today. I know my mom loved getting to do that! They headed to Fresh Market for lunch this afternoon and then headed back home to spend more of the afternoon around the house. My mom didn't cry until late this afternoon. About 20 minutes before my dad got home. Only crying once in a day is huge progress, especially with such a big change! I am so thankful for that.  My dad did pretty well with leaving her. I think it will be a bigger adjustment for him in the long run. I

My Best Dressed Picks of the Emmys

While I was not impressed with the actual awards show I did enjoy watching E!'s red carpet coverage of all the stars. My pick for best dressed was Evangeline Lilly in a gorgeous metallic dress by Ellie Saab. Coming in at a close second and third were Cynthia Nixon in Calvin Klein and Felicity Huffman in Reem Acra. Oh, to be a star!

Happy Fall!

Thank goodness the first day of Fall is tomorrow! The kids and I have been so excited that the Texas heat is slowly making its way out of the state. The weather has been so much nicer over the past week or so, and I am looking forward to more Fall-like weather over the next months to come. Nice weather means we can finally play at the park without the risk of a heat stroke! This week when we pulled up to the park on Thursday the kids were so excited they started screaming and clapping! These are the pictures I snapped of their excited faces. Yay, for Fall weather!

Emme and the Taco Bell Man

On Friday we were playing at the Galleria. We had finished lunch only minutes earlier, but Emerson was intrigued by a man standing by the play area watching his kids while eating his Taco Bell lunch. She was so interested that she crawled up onto the bench next to him to check it out and stayed there until I made her leave him alone. I am pretty sure she has never even tasted Taco Bell, but the way she was staring you would have thought it was her favorite food in the whole world. It was hilarious!