Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Can I be honest? OK thanks.

Do you ever feel like you are waiting for a bomb to drop? You know, feel like you are waiting for the worst thing possible to happen? I do, quite often, actually. If I'm honest, it is one of my biggest struggles. I cover by saying it is this quality that makes me a "flexible" and "understanding" consultant's wife. Hmmmm if only people really knew sometimes. 

You see, at the core is my anxiety and need to control.

If I play enough mind games then I can convince myself that I am ready for the worst. I am always "ready" for Reid to call and tell me he's been staffed in the Middle East for ten months. I am "ready" for my Dad to tell me my mom has stopped swallowing. I am "ready" for something to go wrong with any trip I take. 

You get the idea. 

It is undoubtedly the most controlling of my sins. Why can't I let it go and just trust God? 

So, today (you know what hit the fan) when an airline, that shall remain unnamed, called me say one of my flights to Hawaii was cancelled I don't know why I was so mad. Maybe because I HATE this airline and it wasn't the first problem I have had? Maybe because they were simply taking the plane out of service for mechanical reasons? All I know is my feelings weren't even resolved by the fact that I was immediately booked onto another flight that, though barely making it, would get me to LA for my connecting flight. I still could only think the worst. 

"Well, forty minutes is not enough time for a connection in LAX." Yup, that's all I could muster. I couldn't be thankful for the rebooking. I couldn't be thankful I was still going to Hawaii. Nada.

Great character, Mare.

So, why am I so conflicted? Why can I trust that God has called Reid to Consulting for a reason, but I can't trust that He will always staff him where necessary? Why can I trust that the Lord has a purpose for my mom's Alzheimer's Disease, yet I can't trust that when she stops swallowing will be in His timing? 

Aha, could it be because I realize it is no longer me who is in control of the little things?

Please give me a heart and mind that trust you with everything I have. I want to be a woman who is truly at peace because her God is in control. 


Linds said...

I think if we're all honest we all struggle with this to some degree... you are not alone! I love that you're so honest-- thanks for sharing your heart and "bleeding" on paper... that's why I love you and am so glad to call you friend!

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