Monday, March 23, 2009

Lately

Mom talking to me on the phone 10 days ago.

I've been thinking I should write about this for a while, it's usually just easier not to. A few weeks ago something in me started feeling different. This has happened to me since my mom became sick. Its just something I have to work through, something I have to go to the Lord with, a kind of wrestling with my spirit.

I never understood, until now, what people meant when they said they wanted time to "stand still". It has now been three months since my mom took her down turn, and life seems to keep chugging along. Reid and I bought my parent's Christmas present back in October - tickets to see Bill Gaither and Friends in Ft. Worth. I never would have thought that come April my dad would be making this trip alone and I would be attending the concert with him.

My dad was talking to our next door neighbors a few days ago. At the end of the conversation the wife asked how my mom was doing. My dad explained that she was doing about as well as could be expected for her situation. The wife then asked when my mom was coming home.

She isn't coming home.

My dad said he realized in that moment how final all of this is. A little more of my mom fades each day, bringing with it finality. For my dad it is that the woman he loves isn't coming home to grow old with him.

This finality became real to me as I've thought of my mom not being there for the next major life events that happen - namely having a baby. I'm mourning the loss of something that I'll never get to share with her. Now, seeing my friends share it with their moms makes it more real.

And so, in an effort to experience what we can together, a baby blanket will be ordered and monogrammed with a special note on it from my mom to the three of us to pass down to our first babies. We will take them to the nursing home for her to look at and cuddle, and then we'll put them away. It's our way of letting her give them something.

That's just one thing, though. I feel like the clock is running down and I need to bottle up as much of her as I can before it's over. I've written memories, my favorite things about her, what made her a good mom, what I want to tell my kids about her - but I don't feel like it will ever be enough.

None of it could ever compare to knowing her.

All the heavens cannot hold You, Lord
How much less to dwell in me?
I can only make my one desire
Holding on to Thee


Lyrics from All the Heavens
Third Day

6 comments:

RachB said...

Mare. This post rips at by heart. I don't even know what to say. I'm praying for you this morning. Your mom is so precious... Are you going to LR this weekend? Love you Mare

The Smiths said...

Mare...that is a wonderful idea about the blanket...I know it is nothing compared to having her there to meet and hold your future babies, but what a great way to symbolize how much she is and always will be a part of your life, and consequently theirs. Praying for you and love you friend.

the osbornes said...

Such a sweet and honest post, I love it. That is such a great idea about the baby blankets, they will be something so special for your kiddos to treasure forever.

Linds said...

tears are rolling down my face now as I read this post. There are no words to say to you that I know of... oh how I wish I could just hug you! I love you and am so sorry.

Corby and Lauren said...

What a wonderful way to honor your mom! Your children will most definitely know what an amazing woman and mom she is... I'm confident that you will make sure of that! I love you and am praying for you as you deal with this pain.

Kirstin said...

That is an absolutely perfect idea, Mare. What a special way to honor your mom. I have no doubt that your kids along with George's and Eleanor's kids will know how amazing and wonderful your mom is. Love you and miss you and praying for you!!!

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