Friday, May 11, 2012

One month thoughts

I have so many thoughts, so many that I've put off writing them down for a long time.

We made it through the first month after losing our girls. If you had told me a month ago that I'd be able to live normal life without crying through it I would have thought you crazy. But, alas, life does go on and I'm thankful for our new normal. His mercies truly are new everyday.

I've thought so much about our girls these last few weeks. Those first days after their deaths were so much harder than I'll ever be able to convey with words. I had a lot of guilt. I still have moments each day when that guilt and fear start to overcome. I know intellectually that we did everything we could have for our girls. At the same time the emotional, and sometimes irrational, pain of grief causes me to believe differently.

In the early 1920s my maternal great grandmother gave birth to identical triplet boys - they weighed 1 1/2, 2, and 2 1/4 pounds. The doctor who delivered the babies wrapped them up, laid them in bed with my great grandmother thinking there was no chance of survival, and left. A midwife and friends of my great grandparents came and did everything they could think of to give those three babies life. Even without the advancements of modern medicine - no ventilators, no isolettes, no IVs, no lamps to treat jaundice, no TPN fluids, no broviacs, no PDA surgeries, no neural ultrasounds, no feeding tubes - all three boys survived and lived for 16, 70+, and 80+ years.

In moments when I doubt myself I find great comfort in knowing that God had plans for my girls' lives just as He did my great uncles. Simple logic would tell you that my uncles should have died shortly after birth and my three girls should have lived. Unfortunately, I've learned all too well that life doesn't always make logical sense. Its because of that that I have great faith in knowing that God is in control of everything. He knew that Catherine would never live outside of my womb, He knew that Madelyn would live for 32 hours and Mary Grace five days. Even with all the advancements of modern medicine you can't change God's plan or mess it up in any way. Though I may never understand this side of Heaven why their days were numbered as they were, I know He is sovereign over all and that their short lives hold great worth.

You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
(Psalm 139:5 ESV)


Tesha said...

Wonderful wisdom and truth you spoke here. When the guilt is to much to bear I say Psalms 139:16 out loud You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Yes Jesus is in control of life and death and there is such peace in that. Saying a prayer for you and Olivia!

the osbornes said...

you are amazingly wise and strong, Mare! What an incredible testimony.

The Smiths said...

Love you, friend.

lovejoy_31 said...

sending you lots of thoughts and prayers. My mom was born at 25 weeks gestation 64 years ago and lived without intervention. Isn't it amazing? She passed away in November. It is hard to believe and I definitely have my days, but I do believe that He has a plan even if we don't understand. Wishing you a very heartfelt Mother's Day!!! said...

Mare, poignant, beautiful, and so wise. Our prayers continue, your soul is so full of faith, the Lord is surely holding you all tightly in his arms.

Kathy Stephenson said...

Happy Mother's Day sweet one. I have been thinking of you since I woke up this morning. I honor both you and your mother today. You have walked in truth, grief upon grief, joy upon joy, you have trusted. I love you and honor you today and bless your mother's name as she poured these lovely truths into your life!

Linds said...

Mare this is perfectly written. All 4 of your girls have a great treasure in their mommy, and in their King. Thank you for lifting His name up, even in the storm. You have been a great reminder for me to do the same. Love you, and praying for you always.

Erik and Lyndsey Olson said...

You don't know me I came across your blog from a friend of a friend's prayer request for you and your family. As a new mother and a former NICU nurse the pain of your loss is palpable. As a believer your deep rooted faith is inspiring. Sweet Olivia is a fighter and that is exactly what is needed so she can be home in your arms very soon!!! I will continue to pray that you feel His arms around you and your sweet little girl!

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